Of aliens and love

Humorist John Hodgman rambles through a new story about aliens, physics, time, space and the way all of these somehow contribute to a sweet, perfect memory of falling in love.

Ode to the lost mistress

I’d come to you at times of boredom
I’d come to you at times of need
I’d come to you when the world was broken
And all my needs you would patiently heed
From Love, Actually to About a Boy
And GI Joe to something coy
You would give me all that I ever wanted
And sometimes more, as Kaspersky taunted
But now you’re gone to the Land of the Lost
Mininova, now movies are going to cost.

Mininova is no more…

According to a post on the Mininova blog,

Today is an important day in the history of Mininova. From now on, we are limiting Mininova.org to our Content Distribution service. By doing so, we comply with the ruling of the Court of Utrecht of last August.

This is a sad day for all of us who downloaded movies, entire software suites, albums, and even the latest operating systems from Mininova. Now we’re left with only thepiratebay. My heart is in a million pieces right now. I’m going to go to some corner, sit down and cry.

The most expensive handbill ever

Comes at the expense of the taxpayer. Mahinda Mama 2010!

Wanted: Shutterbugs and their hauls

Perambara, this nice little place with excellent Sinhala reportage, and where I’m fortunate enough to be able to give pictures to, had this to say recently.

This is our latest adventure, a photo sharing hub for local shutterbugs, both professional and amateurs. The idea is pretty simple

This is a group aimed at fostering news and magazine photography from Sri Lankan photographers (amateurs and professionals). The group could also be a hub for sharing information on events, coverages, availability of pictures and photographers (both free of charge and on a fee based basis) and tips.

One rule applies – Please upload pictures taken by you or an organisation you area affiliated with approval for the use of the photos. The group will not be responsible in any way for any copyright violations. Otherwise just click away

You can either join us by joining the group or the photo stream if you are already on flickr. If you are not on Flickr you can send in your pictures via email. For the address, just leave comment here, and I’ll send you the address.

The photos are quite good, and can be seen here on the Perambara flickr feed. The group can be seen here. Join, ah?

Dear Stingingnuts

My dear Stingingnuts,

I’ve simply had enough of you. You accuse me of not publishing your imaginary comments, you call me a liar, et cetera et cetera. So, I’ve decided to draw the line. See, think of my blog as my own little space, where people like you who are filled with rage who are not contributing in any way, but are just shouting for the sake of being a dick, are not welcome.

So from now on, I won’t publish any comments from you on my blog. I appreciate and thank you for coming to my blog, and showing me that you do value what I say by reading and commenting. I don’t read your blog anymore, cos I don’t give a shit about what you think. But I thank you for caring. I really do.

On a side note, I recommend that you go and see a good doctor. Mine helped me get through my tough time, and I’m sure with some medication, and therapy, you will hopefully come out of the state of eternal rage you’re in. It might be someone touching you in the naughty place when you were small, or someone else fucking the girl that you liked, hell, it might have been your mother refusing to breastfeed you when you were an infant – I really don’t want to speculate. But what’s gone is gone, and you need to come out of it as a strong human being. Trust me, seeking help when you need it, is not a bad thing.

Now you might just ignore me, because I’m not worth your valuable time: after all, I’m the lying scheming what-ever-you-call-me-nowadays. Or you might take the time to sit down, write a reply to this, and publish it on your blog, or post a comment. As for me, I would not know and I would not care. But hey, if it makes you feel better, then please do go ahead. Sadly, if it’s a comment, it would not be published. So might as well blog it, no?

Thank you, for the continued entertainment.

Yours, D

PS: I’ll leave you with this. When my friend put it up on his blog the first time, I found it quite funny. But now when I think about it, it totally sums up your online life to me. Hugs.

Letter to me at sixteen

Dear Dinidu,

I’m you from the future. I don’t know how this gets to you, but here are some things that you should and shouldn’t do within the next nine years.

• Drink more water. Your kidneys are fucked up by the time you reach 22.
• Don’t start smoking. You’ll get hooked on it to a scary extent.
• Don’t lift that tent at Sarvodaya. Your disk will pop out, and you’ll start taking high doses of Tramadol like they were M&Ms to try and cope with the pain. When you finally realise that it’s not helping, you’ll go through months of painful withdrawal.
• Don’t go riding when you get your O/L results. Dinush and you are going to crash into a pig, and it’s going to hurt like hell.
• You’ll meet three friends within the next couple of years. They will be your saviours, and they’ll love you no matter what. You will lose one, but you’ll crawl out of it.
• Don’t be abusive to Dilina. He loves you. (Or so the bastard says)
• You have a great ego. Keep it up. Don’t ever bow down to others. You will create your own life philosophy which goes “If you are my friend, I will do anything for you. If you try to fuck me, I’ll fuck you back.” You’ll stick to both, perfectly. Some won’t understand you, but they eventually will. If they don’t, fuck them.
• You’ll finally meet two people that deserved to be called “Sir“. Brad and Prof. They will be like fathers to you.
• Love Anarkali. She’s the best boss you’ll ever get. Everyone else would be nothing in front of her.
• Love Vraie. She’ll be like a mother to you.
• Your parents are better than you think they are. Try and have a good relationship. When you are 24, you will.
• Eat the cookie dough that Fluffy make the day you go over. You’ll love it. Stop just before you think you’re going to puke. But till then, eat. She’s awesome, and so is the cookie dough she makes. That day would be a turning point in your life. V and her will pick you up, that you’ll drop the anti depressants the next week.
• Keep eating fibres. They will help with your constipation which pops up.
• You’ll get a funky omelette when you go to Senegal. Eat it as much as you can. You’ll see heaven.
• Don’t leave the Sunday Times and join the Daily Mirror. That would be the biggest professional mistake in your life. Tashi is right, listen to her when she says “Who is Easy when compared to Anthony?“. Anthony and Asantha are the best editors you’re going to get.
• There is no god. By now, you would have gotten fed up with the hypocrisy of religous institutions, and soon you will realise that there is not invisible man upstairs who has a plan for all of us, just like there is no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, or a good politician. At least space ships have been spotted once in a while.
• Most importantly, and please try and do this: don’t fall in love with that bitch. She’ll fuck you up. Twice. She will use you for her ego pumping tactics and she will bring out the worst in you. People around you, and even you would be surprised how she can make a monster out of you. You will be rendered into a terrifying monster, you’ll get destructive, you’ll get abusive, you’ll fall down in your work, and you’ll become shit. And then, you’ll rise up again. Try and avoid seeing her, cos you might just choke her to death. We don’t want that, now do we? That’ll fuck up the political ambitions.
• Try and give Maxi a bath at least once a week. She stinks.

Love, D

John Holmes’ huge penis

United Nations Undersecretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs John Holmes (R) waves to members of the media after he arrived at his hotel in Colombo, November 17, 2009. Holmes is in Sri Lanka to visit the north and see the current situation of the resettlement of internally displaced people since the end of the 25-year war between the government and Tamil Tiger separatists.

Reuters, via Daylife.com.

John Holmes was best known for his exceptionally large penis, which was heavily promoted as being the longest in the porn industry, although no definitive evidence of Holmes’ actual penis length exists.

Oh, you thought I was talking about the visiting under secretary of the UN? No. I was referring to John Curtis Holmes. The picture at the top is of Sir John Holmes, GCVO, KBE, CMG. The two are not connected, and don’t have any similarities.

Or do they?

Sri Lanka extends draconian Emergency Regulatins

Protesters who are backed by the opposition party JVP (People’s Liberation Front) demonstrate against the presidency during a protest march in Colombo October 27, 2009. Reuters, via Daylife.com.

The Emergency Regulations has been extended by another 30 days by parliament, yesterday. It’s been over six months since the end of the hostilities between Government forces and the LTTE, by means of total annihilation of the LTTE. But the state of emergency, which allows the State to search arbitrarily, or detain for 30 days. goes on. This reminds me of a post I wrote on a few remarks made by the former Secretary to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Palitha Kohona.

The fact of the matter is, that the Emergency Regulations have given the state an open trump card to use whenever needed, to supress those who oppose. White van abductions which a few hours later turn out to be arrests, can be covered in the sweet tasting syrup of National Security, using the ERs as a sheild.

The bigger question however, is when the demilitarization of Sri Lanka will start, and when will people go back to a state of life where uniforms, check points, arrests are not abundant. A state of life where the war is a thing of the past, and dark relics and reminders of the grim days past are scarce.

The latter part does not seem to be changing either. Whilst many checkpoints have closed down, those in the Capital city still remain, and the extremely heavy armed military presence continues on. The Rajapaksa Government should realise that winning the war is not enough. One needs to address the harder, and more difficult role of healing the wounds that the 30 years of fighting caused to the nation. And healing the scars of oppression and discrimination against Tamils that ran for decades more. The start, would be by letting out the hundreds of thousands of people that are still detained in the internment camps.

Censordyne – Good, clean internet censorship

Great video as part of the campaign against Internet Censorship in Australia. Spoofing on Sensodyne.